I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
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Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.