Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.