I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
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How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.