7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
You Might Also Like
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.