Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Welcome
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”