Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Mood.. 😂
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.