Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
You Might Also Like
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
i spent way too long on this
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Mhm.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress