Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
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Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment