a public service announcement
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The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99