“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
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Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”