My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.