My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
men are simple creatures
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}