The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”