Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
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Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Raisins are grape jerky.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.