me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult