[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
You Might Also Like
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what