When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
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You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Wait a minute
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.