“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Stop it! 😂
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber