First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My what?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke