Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
You Might Also Like
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.