Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Okey dokey.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I love it all
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.