I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
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Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Probably my best painting.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…