My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””