Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned