Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
#Caturday
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!