Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be