“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
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TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
ACED my prostate exam!
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.