6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.