Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
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No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business