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Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry