I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
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What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I hope google does well on my son’s test