I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
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So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Breaking news:
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.