Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.