one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I hate everything
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Salad is the decaf of food.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?