The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
What do you hear?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle