I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
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Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
good for her
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work