UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
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if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
…u ok Nintendo?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.