Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
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Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?