All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
You Might Also Like
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan