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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.