My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Stop making fast and furious movies.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat