A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it鈥檚 when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let鈥檚 watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don鈥檛 name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I鈥檓 going to be very disappointed.
men what鈥檚 stopping you from looking like this
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 馃幍 The Exact Same World馃幍
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I鈥檓 fine
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
if you鈥檝e ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i鈥檇 highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.