Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
welp
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Best spoiler warning ever
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .