just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
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[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.