When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
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Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Ain’t no way
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Monday
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.