If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
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Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.