The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
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Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting