gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.