Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.