DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
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Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.